You Are the VIRGIN LOVER
The Virgin Lover is often misunderstood, especially by herself. As a Virgin Lover, your erotic nature is often expressed in ways that are not explicitly sexual. You have a refined sense of pleasure and connection, and you neither need nor always desire sex. You thrive on beauty, purity, and the eroticism of connections that are soul to soul, mind to mind, heart to heart, not just body to body. The challenge for you is to honor that "the erotic" is not at all only explicitly sexual. The erotic is what opens you, what you love, what brings you into authentic connection with a lover.
GIFTS OF THE VIRGIN LOVER
Your gifts as a lover are refined passions, a full-spectrum intimate companionship, and an innate knowing of the sublime and exquisite, as well as the luxury of contentment.
CHALLENGES OF THE VIRGIN LOVER
There are three core challenges to this archetype of lover.
Most definitions and mainstream expressions of "sexuality" are actually a turn off to you. Your eroticism is refined and full spectrum, and naturally extends far beyond the bedroom. What moves you in intimacy is connection, soul to soul, mind to mind, heart to heart, not just body to body. When just the body is involved in sexuality, you are likely to be turned off and uninterested. This can lead you to shut down your own sense of the erotic, believing that perhaps you aren't even really an erotic creature. This is a misunderstanding of your nature, and can create a tragic fracture in your being, an unnecessary distance from your own sexual, erotic impulses.
You have the capacity to experience the erotic not just outside of explicit sexuality, but outside of relationship entirely. The contentment, the pleasure, the sweetness, and simplicity that you can experience in times of solitude, reflection, or quietude are an incredible gift. These are ways that you draw nourishment and life force directly from the refined and simple heart of life, and they bring great contentment and peace. You thrive on purity, and there is a great sensitivity in your being. The challenge of this can be a tendency to shy away from the more gritty, more complex, but also more passionate and more dynamic terrain of intimate relationship. Remember that a sexual relationship is one that cultivates eroticism in your life, and that what is erotic is simply that which opens you, touches you, fills you, moves you, brings you to life. It is up to you to invite lovers into a full spectrum and refined exploration of sexuality and intimate connection. Purity and sensitivity is a gift you bring to the erotic, not a departure from the erotic.
You may confuse "virginal" and pure with stagnant, boring, asexual, or somehow lacking in the more wildly expressive sexuality you see around you. And sometimes, especially by immature or highly sex-focused lovers, you are misunderstood in that way. Let your definition of a "sexual" relationship expand to be the full definition of an erotic relationship, and claim the very sublime, loving beauty and passion that purity and contentment can create between two people.
KEYS TO THRIVING AS A VIRGIN LOVER
There are three essential keys to thriving as this archetype of lover, and cultivating sexual intimacies that are emotionally safe, satisfying, and honoring for you.
RECLAIM THE EROTIC. You are an erotic creature. We all are. It's just a matter of whether or not we are willing to acknowledge our own unique language of loving and intimacy. If you have come to see yourself as asexual or shut down, make a decision to shed those misunderstandings and reclaim your erotic nature. It's a core part of you that will inform your whole life. The world and cultural conditioning around sexuality shuts us all down in various ways. For you, the shut down is likely to result in you feeling cut off from your own sexuality because the standard "turn ons" don't actually move you. You are a sexual creature, just one with refined sensitivities and needs for the exquisite—a slow, soft touch, sensitive handling, and sexual maturity. You may not have been met yet in the ways that actually open you, but you will be if you claim for yourself the highly erotic and compelling nature of your sexuality.
RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO FAKE IT. Faking pleasure, faking interest, faking arousal. All of these will cut you off further from the discovery of your authentic sexuality, and create inconsistencies that will wear away your trust in your own choices, your self-respect, and your ability to touch the truly erotic. If you're not turned on, let that be. There's no reason you should be. There are no shoulds. Yes, it is up to you to reclaim your erotic nature so that you have it to offer to a lover, but it is up to them, to the two of you, to create an intimacy that opens both of you authentically. Your lover won't be the standard sexual partner. They will be a special kind of being, and if you resist the temptation to fake it, you'll make it much more clear when the person in front of you is that being, or isn't.
BRING REFINED SENSIBILITIES TO YOUR LOVEMAKING. Go ahead and give yourself 100%, unconditional permission to reject all expressions of the sexual that don't actually turn you on. There are no "shoulds" in the realm of female sexuality, so dismiss the inundation of cultural conditioning around what a "sexy" or erotic woman looks like, acts like, feels like. If it turns you on (a.k.a. opens your heart, relaxes your body, inspires you, softens you) to read poetry with your lover for hours in bed, with some tea, cookies, the cat and warm blankets, then lean into that. Let lovemaking be all that it is outside of the explicitly sexual, and then be courageous and follow the impulse to more explicitly sexual experience with another when it feels like a natural next step in the connection you've already established. Quality, not quantity. One night of explicitly sexual lovemaking that you are actually open to and comfortable with is far superior to dozens of nights you just tolerate. Bring what's erotic to you to the bedroom, and to your relationships.
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